Hard Parenting, Better Relationships: New Evidence

A new survey of 24,000 American parents conducted by the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) reveals that the perceived difficulty of raising children is a significant factor in family planning, with parents who find parenting easier being more likely to desire additional children. The data shows that 48% of parents who describe parenting as “very easy” intend to have more children, compared to only 33% of those who characterize it as “very hard.” Overall, 7.4% of respondents reported that parenting is “very hard,” while 36.5% described it as “fairly hard.”

The survey highlights that parenting feels less burdensome when parents feel supported by their partners and their surrounding communities. Furthermore, the research indicates that parental-enforced rules are associated with better relationships between parents and their children, a finding supported by both parental and teen assessments. The experience of parenting difficulty also fluctuates based on the age of the children and the gender of the parent. For fathers, parenting is perceived as most difficult when children are under age 2 and easiest when they are between 9 and 11. Conversely, mothers tend to find parenting easiest when children are under 2 and most difficult when they are between 4 and 7.

Beyond the logistical challenges of child-rearing, modern family life is increasingly shaped by the mental health landscape. Experts emphasize that parents should be mindful of how they model resilience and empathy, noting that children often mirror how their parents face or avoid life’s challenges. There is a critical distinction between struggling with a mental health condition and identifying as that condition; adopting a “victim mentality” or believing one is powerless against their struggles can negatively impact family dynamics and strain relationships. This is particularly relevant given the rising rates of depression and anxiety among teens, with the CDC reporting a 37% increase in suicide rates between 2000 and 2023.

In the context of managing large families, some perspectives suggest that involving children in household responsibilities—sometimes referred to as “parentification”—can be a positive practice. Proponents argue that having older children assist with younger siblings not only helps parents manage their workload but also builds a foundation for meaningful relationships and service. While some critics view this as an unfair burden on children, others contend that humans are hardwired for caregiving and that such contributions help children develop essential life skills, potentially making the parenting experience more manageable for those raising multiple children.