The case for ‘lighthouse’ parenting

Navigating the modern landscape of parenting trends can feel like an impossible balancing act, with popular concepts ranging from helicopter parenting and tiger moms to the free-range movement. Each philosophy promises the ultimate goal: raising resilient, confident, and respectful children who grow into successful adults. However, the issue with many parenting trends is that they often drift toward extremes, which can be counterproductive.

“Trends are about pendulum swings — you go from the different levels of overprotective parenting, and then the pendulum swings to overly permissive,” said Kenneth Ginsburg, a pediatrician specializing in adolescent medicine at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and co-director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication.

What Ginsburg is advocating for is not just another passing trend.

It is a return to a “balanced” approach, or what he calls “lighthouse parenting,” a method that finds the middle ground between hovering over children and letting them go entirely. Like a steady, immovable lighthouse, parents should serve as a beacon that shows the way, empowering children to make their own decisions without steering the ship for them, all while remaining a consistent and reliable presence.

Ginsburg, who first explored this concept in his 2015 book “Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love With Expectations and Protection With Trust,” developed the lighthouse metaphor to help parents visualize his philosophy. He co-authored that book with his twin daughters, who are now 29. His latest work, “Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child With Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond,” is scheduled for publication by the American Academy of Pediatrics in March 2025.

“Part of it is you look into the waves and trust that your child will be able to ride them, but prepare them to do so,” said Ginsburg, who is also a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and works with homeless youth.

Ginsburg has spoken at Brigham Young University in the past and will return to Provo, Utah, in November to present on “Building on the Strengths of Young People Who Have Endured Hardships” at a conference hosted by the BYU-Public School Partnership for K–12 principals, administrators, and teacher leaders.

Although Ginsburg’s “lighthouse parenting” metaphor is not new—he noted he has been discussing the idea for a decade—it has seen a recent resurgence after Russell Shaw, the head of school at Georgetown Day School in Washington, D.C., wrote about the concept in The Atlantic.

“Too often, I watch parents overfunctioning — depriving their kids of the confidence that comes from struggling and persevering, and exhausting themselves in the process. Although this has been true throughout my career, it’s growing more acute,” Shaw wrote.

Subsequent articles in Parents and Canada’s CBC heralded the return of lighthouse parenting. Additionally, parenting coach Will Elliot offers an online course titled Lighthouse Parenting that is built upon the pillars of “trust, understanding and respect.”

Lighthouse parenting is also “authoritative” parenting, Ginsburg emphasized, and should be distinguished from “authoritarian” parenting. In essence, he noted, “It’s a return to common sense and what we know works.”

As Ginsburg explains it, lighthouse parenting involves finding the elusive equilibrium between two vital forces in a child’s life. The first is warmth and unconditional love, which involves responding to a child’s emotional needs and honoring their individuality. The second is providing structure, which ensures safety, establishes boundaries, and teaches values. “These are two seemingly opposing forces,” Ginsburg told me. “And the balancing act is about getting them right.”

Numerous studies indicate that balanced parenting leads to better outcomes for children. For instance, a 1991 study and others have demonstrated that parenting styles combining warmth and support with high expectations help protect teens from engaging in risky behaviors like drinking. Similarly, a 1992 study in Child Development revealed that students with authoritative parents performed better academically than those raised by authoritarian or permissive parents. The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent to Adult Health also highlighted the long-term positive impacts of balanced parenting on teenagers. Other research points to a clear correlation between parental warmth and improved outcomes for children.

To study parenting styles, scientists ask teens to complete surveys regarding whether their parents are warm and supportive and whether they set strict rules and monitor them closely, according to the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which was established in 2017 to provide science-backed strategies to help parents raise teens. Researchers also analyze factors such as academic performance, substance use, and behavioral patterns.

So why are we gravitating toward another buzzword in the ongoing search for a better way to parent? According to Ginsburg, it is because many of the trendy approaches that have dominated the conversation in recent years have backfired.

“When you hover over your child, you push them away,” Ginsburg said. On the opposite end of the spectrum, an overly permissive approach—and the attempt to be your child’s friend—fosters anxiety and insecurity. “If you think back to your adolescent years — you loved your friend, but you also feared losing them,” Ginsburg said. Children should not fear losing their parents, he added.

Ginsburg, who is 62, said his passion for helping teens began during his own adolescence, when he had a particularly difficult year as a 17-year-old struggling with depression and wishing his sensitivities were welcomed and understood.

“The love of a parent has to be as rock solid as anything in the world, absolutely unconditional,” he said. A steady parent, like a lighthouse, is not going anywhere. “You can always look back, it’s always going to be a guide for you,” he said.

However, parenting begins long before the teenage years, and parents can start implementing “lighthouse” strategies early, said Ginsburg, whose most recent book is “Congrats ―You’re Having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good Person.”

“Parenting begins when you’re holding your newborn,” he said. “You begin thinking about this balancing act early on. Lighthouse parenting really codifies how to do this, starting early on.”

The goal is not just raising children, he told me, but raising “humans that stick together and that belong with each other across the generations.”

Ultimately, “lighthouse parenting” is about fostering enduring family relationships. “When you guide your child in a loving way— your relationship lasts forever. And that’s my goal — I want to strengthen families.”

For Jeannine Jannot, a parent and student coach in Atlanta, Georgia, the “lighthouse” approach harkens back to the ’70s and ’80s, when children relied on parental guidance and support, but “they weren’t in our business.” Jannot, a developmental psychologist and the author of “The Disintegrating Student: Struggling But Smart, Falling Apart, and How To Turn It Around,” has advocated for more lighthouse parenting and less helicopter parenting for the past decade.

“Our high-stakes, high-pressure educational achievement culture has pressured parents into feeling responsible for their students’ success,” she told me. She observes this in the stress over middle school grades and the fear surrounding college applications years before they are due. Even parents who have become too involved in their children’s lives and want to pull back often feel reluctant to do so.

“I hear from parents: ‘I’m micromanaging my kids too much and don’t want to do it, but I’m petrified of what will happen if I don’t’,” said Jannot, who identifies as a “reformed helicopter mom.” She advises parents to “relearn” how to value the relationship with their child over the child’s academic performance.

The role of parents will gradually evolve from overseeing and directing to guiding and advising.

“(Lighthouse parenting) shifts the parenting role from manager to mentor,” she told me. Or as Shaw wrote in The Atlantic, the role of parents should shift from a “boss” to a “consultant” as children get older.

How can parents ensure their children feel loved and valued? According to Ginsburg, the key is to express it openly: “Don’t be afraid of the words.” Rather than offering empty praise, parents should provide genuine affirmations that show they notice their children and celebrate their growth. Setting rules and providing guidance becomes more effective when done alongside these expressions of love.

And that is truly the essence of discipline, Ginsburg told me. “Discipline should be something that happens every minute of every day when we’re with our children,” he said. Discipline is not about punishment, but about guidance. In fact, the words “discipline” and “disciple” share the same root, which comes from the Latin word “to learn.”

Recently, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy sounded the alarm regarding parental anxiety, noting that nearly half of American parents report feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Lighthouse parenting can serve as an antidote to this anxiety, Ginsburg believes.

“I do not believe that we parent for perfection,” Ginsburg said. “And one of the best ways of being a role model for a human is to be a human.” Striving for perfection does not raise perfect children, he told me; instead, “it gives them anxiety.” Watching their parents make mistakes and recover from them helps children cultivate emotional strength and resilience.

“I’m bringing it back to the very basics,” Ginsburg said. “Love, show up, strive to be a good person and show the kids what the journey looks like.”