Why gentle parenting is proving too rough for many parents

For too many mornings this year, Lauren Eaton Spencer has arrived late to work because of a shirt. Her 3-year-old son, Noah, holds strong opinions about his attire — which Spencer aims to honor and support — but she also has professional obligations. Once a shirt is finally selected, a new conflict emerges: socks.

“Having him fight me about socks for 30 minutes while I’m trying to be nice and gentle,” said Spencer, a preschool teacher from Katy, Texas, “it is just not effective.”

Spencer, 30, believes in the philosophy of gentle parenting — a method that prioritizes a parent’s emotional regulation and profound respect for a child’s emotions — but in practice, it has proven incompatible with her family’s hectic schedule.

“This approach did not lead to a decision,” she said regarding those mornings when choosing socks resulted in tears. “Just to both of us getting frustrated.”

The core issue is that gentle parenting is proving to be overly demanding for many caregivers. In recent months, both parents and experts have begun questioning the long-term

A study released in July discovered that more than 40% of self-described gentle parents lean toward burnout and self-doubt due to the pressure of meeting specific parenting standards. There has been no shortage of recent analysis and commentary, with some experts arguing that it fosters “unrealistic expectations.” Influencers are pushing back, and even celebrities have noted that the gentle parenting approach often yields “no results.”

“It’s aspirational,” Annie Pezalla, a professor of human development and family studies at Macalester College and a co-author of the study, said regarding gentle parenting techniques that function best when a parent is emotionally regulated and not pressed for time — re

For nearly a decade, advocates of the popular gentle parenting style have encouraged caregivers to validate a child’s emotions, model appropriate behavior, and collaborate with children on solutions rather than relying on punishment or correction. Perhaps most difficult of all is the requirement to allow tantrums to occur and address the lesson later.

Its popularity surged during the pandemic, when isolation and existential anxiety led people to seek parenting guidance on social media — a fertile environment, according to the surgeon general’s advisory on parental stress, for influencers to disseminate advice that may ultimately cause more harm than good.

Cracks in the reputation of the gentle movement began to show in 2022. A wave of articles labeled gentle parenting as a “too gentle” practice that forced parents to become “self-renouncing, perpetually present humanoids.”

The gentle parenting philosophy, Pezalla noted, is largely a social media trend lacking scholarly backing. Its vague definition makes it difficult to evaluate.

With the waving of a figurative white flag, could gentle parenting be shifting to the fringes of the parenting zeitgeist alongside helicopter and snowplow parenting — philosophies that encouraged parents to hover over their children and eliminate every obstacle in their path?

Why don’t your attempts to soothe a child conclude with a connecting hug? Perhaps, social media suggests, you could be doing better.

Overall, experts observe that an excess of advice is causing parents to believe that every interaction is critically important to their child’s future success. Dr. Vivek Murthy, the U.S. surgeon general, even issued a warning that modern parents require more support and are facing “unique stressors.”

However, shifts in parenting practices across generations are nothing new. The parenting gospel of one generation often becomes theuraged baby boomers to withhold affection led to the rise of Gen X’s attachment parenting style

Enter gentle parenting. The movement — popularized by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a parenting expert and author of over a dozen books on the subject — gained traction as a reaction to behavior-driven advice that promoted timeouts and other consequences.

In describing the gentle approach, Ockwell-Smith asks parents to utilize empathy by questioning: “Would I like it if somebody did this to me? If the answer is no, then why would you do it to your child?”

Operationalized on social media, gentle parenting practices often resemble at-home conflict resolution scenes, featuring an unhurried parent who calmly repeats “Hands are not for hitting” even while a child throws a chair at their head.

With the flood of information, experts suggest that parents are losing touch with their innate abilities.

“I think parents are losing the true North Star of just their intuition — a deep intuition — of trusting themselves that they know and can do right by their kids,” said Pezalla.

Many have recently turned their attention to lighthouse parenting, a term coined by Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a pediatrician and professor of pediatrics at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. Proponents of lighthouse parenting describe it as a middle ground between being overprotective and overindulgent.

Ginsburg developed the lighthouse metaphor to remind parents to serve as a stable force in their children’s lives. Guide and protect your children while using phrases like, “I love you, but the answer is no.”

“Lighthouse parenting is not a trend,” said Ginsburg. “It is about what has been proven to work.”

However, it is not a new concept.

Much of the research-based advice behind lighthouse parenting is derived from authoritative parenting. The challenge lies in the terminology, Ginsburg explained. People often confuse authoritative parenting with the authoritarian (“No, because I said so”) style, so he created a metaphor and wrote a forthcoming book to help parents find a balanced way to raise children.

Our long-term objective as parents should be interdependence with our adult children, Ginsburg noted.

“The question is how do we get there?” he said. “We get there by not pushing our kids away and not having them be anxious of losing us. We get there by positioning ourselves as guides, not as controllers.”

In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three primary parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. A fourth style — neglectful parenting — was added later. Of these four, studies indicate that authoritative parenting — which emphasizes a balance of clear expectations, discipline, and affection — produces the most confident and academically successful children.

Since then, some experts have gained celebrity-like followings with catchy new phrases to rebrand and provide advice based on the authoritative parenting model. Ockwell-Smith stated in an email to NBC News that the gentle approach is essentially authoritative parenting. What makes a parent gentle, she wrote in a blog, is the capacity to maintain boundaries while a child is upset while simultaneously offering empathy and comfort.

For parenting experts, the goal is always to educate, but also to capture the attention — and the spending power — of parents who want to do what is best for their children.

For those parents, adopting a specific parenting style or identity can feel like a sincere attempt to ensure their child’s success. According to a 2023 Pew survey, modern parenting is more difficult now, partly because parents feel pressured to be intensely hands-on. Over half of the parents surveyed said they value greater emotional engagement with their children. This leaves less room for yelling and disciplining, and consequently, less room for parents to be human and imperfect.

Yet, some parents gravitate toward gentle parenting regardless. In theory, gentle parenting offers valuable principles to apply to child-rearing — speak kindly and honor connections. What is there not to like?

In 2021, before Mariah Maddox of Lucas County, Ohio, gave birth, her social media feed began promoting content about a parenting style that emphasized gentleness and attentiveness — core values that contrasted sharply with her own upbringing. She decided to become a gentle parent.

“I think there was an urgency for me to label myself as a certain type of parent in order to make myself feel like I was doing a good job,” said Maddox, 26.

However, she soon discovered it was too difficult to try to categorize herself as one specific type of parent. She still considers herself a gentle parent — just not strictly.

Her son Nate, 3, often wants to run across the street to play with the neighbors.

“This is why I have to step in,” said Maddox regarding the danger of moving cars. “It’s being authoritative, but at the same time, remembering that he’s a child.”

Parenting pedagogy can be both divisive and profitable. An entire industry sells parenting advice, books, and paid workshops. The global market for parenting apps is projected to grow significantly over the next decade. The primary customers: deeply insecure parents.

“It’s kind of left our parenting generation in a place where we’re tiptoeing and we’re kind of walking on eggshells with our kids,” said Spencer, a digital creator who recently completed her doctorate in educational psychology at the University of North Texas. She sees this attitude reflected in the comments of the parenting videos she posts as “Dr. Loly Spencer.”

“We’re so concerned with how everything that we do will impact them for the future,” said Spencer. “It is almost paralyzing.”

For those parents, Pezalla, the researcher, offers this advice: Put down your phones and return all your parenting books to the library. The best kind of parent is the one who trusts themselves to be the best for their child.

“I think there is deep wisdom in the marrow of our bones about how to raise our kids,” said Pezalla. “We’ve been raising kids since the dawn of time, and we’ve done so without the help of parenting books and social media parenting experts.”