The divorce trend where parents rotate homes

Birdnesting: The divorce trend where parents rotate homes

Millennial couples who are divorcing are increasingly choosing to keep their children in the original family home, while the parents take turns moving in and out of the property.

Ending a relationship is always difficult, particularly when children are involved. With extensive international research highlighting how disruptive divorce can be for young people, some parents are adopting a creative strategy to help minimize the impact.

“Birdnesting,” or simply “nesting,” is a living arrangement that allows children to stay in their family home while spending time with each parent there. Each guardian resides in the house during their scheduled custody period and moves elsewhere when they are “off duty.” The term is derived from bird behavior, where parents keep their chicks secure in a nest while alternating who flies in to provide care.

“We wanted to keep stability for the kids, and not just tear up everything all at once,” says 38-year-old Niklas Björling from Stockholm, whose young family nested for eight months after he and his wife separated. “The children could keep their home, school and friends as before,” he explains, plus they’d avoid the stress of shuttling between two properties.

While it remains a relatively obscure concept globally, nesting is gaining traction in Western nations, particularly among middle-class families. Divorce attorneys have noted a rise in birdnesting in regions including the US, Australia, and the Netherlands. A recent UK study by Coop Legal Services indicated that 11% of separated or divorced parents have attempted the arrangement. In Sweden, where shared child custody has been standard for decades, some parents have been rotating homes since the 1970s, though official data is difficult to track as census surveys do not include a specific category for this lifestyle.

Björling lived in his mother’s spare room during his time away from the children, while his ex-partner rented a room in a shared house. Wealthier families might choose to purchase individual apartments, invest in a secondary property, or convert a portion of the family home into a private annexe, according to Dr. Ann Buscho, a California-based therapist who authored a book on the subject. For many, it serves as a “transitional or temporary arrangement,” though some of her clients have continued nesting for years.

As more families adopt this approach, experts remain divided regarding its effects on both the children and the parents.

What’s behind the birdnesting trend?

Buscho notes that it is vital to understand the context of this trend, including how non-traditional celebrity parenting styles have influenced millennial divorcees. The stars of *Mad Men*, Anne Dudek and Matthew Heller, spoke publicly about nesting following their 2016 divorce, and actor Gwyneth Paltrow reportedly stayed frequently at the home she once shared with musician Chris Martin long after their split.

Niklas Björling says he and his ex prioritised stability for the kids when they split up.

“I think Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ had a big effect here. They did a sort of modified nesting. And just the notion of divorcing with respect and more kindly, I think that had a big impact on people,” says Bushco.

Television programs may also have contributed to the trend. The US series *Splitting Up Together* featured a family nesting by utilizing a garage as the parents’ off-duty space, and a nesting storyline appeared in the financial drama *Billions*. “There’s just more awareness around the fact that it is an option available to people,” adds Ben Evans, a senior family law solicitor for Coop Legal Services in south-west England.

Some couples are attracted to nesting because it can be a more economical choice, potentially reducing legal fees or delaying taxes associated with selling a home, according to a family law partner at another British firm, Ashtons Legal. However, he believes the primary driver is a broader awareness of children’s mental health, which has encouraged more parents to explore alternative custody models.

“People have become far more savvy about needing to think about their children’s development,” he says. “I think that is a really, really good progression, basically, because often those issues were pushed to the background, and it was the parents’ often problematic separations which came to the fore.”

Is birdnesting actually better for children?

Regardless of why couples choose birdnesting, evaluating its success is complicated. Because it is a relatively new phenomenon in most regions, there is no comparative data regarding the well-being of children in these households versus other living arrangements.

Buscho has interviewed dozens of nesting families for her research and spent 15 months practicing it with her ex-husband and three children during the 1990s. She firmly believes it is healthier for children, as it allows them to maintain established routines and adjust to family changes more gradually. “If you ask the kids, they’ll always tell you divorce is no fun. They don’t know what it’s like to divorce without nesting,” she says. “But what they will say is that our parents carried the burden of the divorce and we didn’t have to.”

This sentiment is shared by 36-year-old Linnea Andersdotter, who experienced a birdnesting arrangement in Stockholm for several years after her parents separated when she was 11. “It felt like a very dramatic thing when they first let me know that they were going to split up, and when I found out I didn’t have to move, that really helped me not freak out about the situation,” she says. “I was kind of kept in a safe little bubble whilst they were sorting out the break-up thing.”

Eline Linde says that as a child she found the birdnesting experience confusing.

However, critics contend that it can create a “halfway house” environment that prevents children from processing the reality of their parents’ divorce. Eline Linde, who lived in a nesting household near Oslo as a teenager, described the experience as “strange and confusing.” “I didn’t know if it was mum or dad’s house, or if they were working out if they were getting back together,” the 28-year-old recalls.

“I think we should really be careful about hyping the idea,” agrees Malin Bergström, a child psychologist and researcher at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm. “This is a type of protecting children and sheltering them from reality, basically. I think that is a threat to mental health.” Conversely, she argues that “facing challenges together” with parents, such as moving out of the family home, can provide children with the tools “to become a resilient adult who can handle things in future.”

Bergström also questions the belief that birdnesting is less stressful than traveling between two homes. She participated in several major studies conducted by the Centre for Health Equity Studies in Stockholm, which suggested there was minimal difference in the mental health of children in standard joint custody arrangements compared to those in traditional nuclear families.

What about the impact on parents?

The consequences of birdnesting for parents are also a subject of debate. Solicitor Ben Evans believes it succeeds for some couples because it can help “buy them a bit of time and ease the pressure on them.” He argues that both parties can contemplate their next steps and avoid impulsive or expensive decisions. Buscho notes that a nesting period offers “breathing space” to help former partners determine their long-term co-parenting strategy, or potentially even lead to a reconciliation.

“You’re stuck in some kind of bubble or something, you cannot do anything, you cannot go forward,” says Åse Levin.

However, Bergström argues that nesting can negatively affect divorced parents by hindering their ability to move past the separation. “The natural urge after a divorce as a parent is to create your own life, to cope, to move on,” she contends. “And I think that birdnesting works against that urge.”

Åse Levin, a 50-year-old graphic designer from Stockholm, experienced this when she attempted nesting for six months following her separation. The couple rotated through the same one-bedroom rental while away from their two children. “I know that both of us had real anxiety being in that apartment… you didn’t have your things, so it wasn’t a cosy place to go to,” she remembers. “You’re stuck in some kind of bubble or something, you cannot do anything. You cannot go forward.” Eventually, her partner remained in their former apartment, and her father assisted her in purchasing a small home within walking distance.

While nesting may minimize disruptions for children, it introduces new logistical hurdles for adults, ranging from managing household chores to addressing the complexities of dating. “A client came home and found a used condom in the bedroom when she came on duty. That didn’t go so well,” says Buscho. “There need to be very spelled-out agreements.”

Bodil Schwinn says birdnesting is working well for her and her former partner.

“You need to have a good relationship with your ex,” agrees Bodil Schwinn, from Sollentuna, Sweden, who has enjoyed nesting for two years and intends to continue for at least another 18 months. She and her former partner share the cost of a cleaner and restock the refrigerator as needed. “We never discuss things like, ‘you bought meat’ or ‘you ate my meat or my cheese’, we just deal with it,” says Schwinn. She did establish a boundary regarding her ex’s new girlfriend sleeping in their shared bed, so they decided to convert their home office into a separate bedroom. “A lot of people think this is really weird, but I am fine with it. I’m just happy he’s happy, and he found someone.”

Family lawyer Stephen Williams maintains that birdnesting is not a universal solution and suggests that newly separated parents should not feel pressured to follow the trend. For one, many couples lack the financial means or support systems to secure alternative housing during their “off-duty” time. He also notes it is unsuitable if there is significant conflict, if one parent is uncommitted, or if it simply does not feel like the right arrangement. “The way I see it is that birdnesting is just one of a number of positive interventions which might assist parents in caring for their children post-separation,” he says.

Nevertheless, proponents of the nesting trend hope it will become more mainstream. Buscho points out that co-parenting after divorce seemed radical in the 1950s but is now widely accepted as a healthy option, so observers should not discount the potential for birdnesting to grow, even if it currently feels like a niche practice. “My hope is that in the future, as the awareness grows of nesting, that it will become routine, that people will start their separation process with a nesting period of some months or even longer.”

In Stockholm, Niklas Björling is enjoying a new chapter in a small rental apartment a short drive from his ex-partner, which he shares with his children every other week, and with his new girlfriend when they’re not around. Reflecting back on his nesting experience he says, “I don’t regret doing it… But you want to get fully free after a while.”